Yes, I realize that Goldfish crackers are Ghetto Cheetos.
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Friend: I have a question to ask you: can you be serious?
Skippy: Ask me your question.
Friend: No that is the question, can you be serious?
Skippy: Yes.
Friend: Can I put you down as a personal reference?
Skippy: Yes.
Friend: Thank you. ::Writes his name and phone number on the application IN INK.::
Skippy: Now of course I didn’t say I WOULD be serious when they CALLED me for the reference.
Friend: … You are a terrible person.
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I got some awesome teas from Teavana. A few months ago, a friend introduced me to the place and that’s one of my splurges. Tea so pricey, I generally only drink it on weekends so as to conserve it. And it’s delicious.
Anyway, the first morning I tried it, Skippy comes trudging out of the bedroom, half-awake, while I’m bouncing up and down telling him about my new tea.
And I tell him about one of the teas I have, called Monkey Picked Oolong. This is a type of tea that is only harvested monkeys, trained by Buddhist monks, to retrieve the tea leaves from the top of tall trees. I then put the mug under his nose and demanded he smell it.
Skippy’s bleary-eyed response to this excited behavior is, “Mmmm, smells like monkey slavery”.
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Because we are using this pacifier weaning method, Skippy to 2-year-old daughter: “Your binky converted sweetie. It’s circumcised now.”
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Dad: “I wonder how the guy feels being in a car that loud.”
Skippy: “Extremely well compensated for his small penis.”
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The girl got a marker and drew on her arm and her brother’s. That’s toddler for “thug life”.
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